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    lifeforce

    around me there is much talk of babies. friends whose bodies are trying to find their baby. babies who almost were but slipped loose. babies ...

when you least expect it

179706_10152876772095464_352705204_ni miss you most when i’m composting, the smell time travelling me back to your kitchen and the abundance of too ripe fruit

and when i open the lid and am met with fruit flies swarming my face, i am first enraged and then often chuckle, cursing their inevitable reign and then shaking my head at my foolishness, wondering how you could tolerate and accept them with grace?

i miss you most when i buy bubble bath, or dish soap, or laundry soap and recall your commitment to a certain brand and store, and try to emulate your ethic.

i miss you most when i listen to the cbc and when my car is cold and maybe damp in the morning and takes too long to warm up. the boys ask me to change the station or tell me we will be late and i can see you behind the wheel as if it were yesterday, trying also to hurry the process along.

i miss you most when i swim in the ocean and when people look at me shocked and think i’m wild and maybe slightly unhinged for going in my clothes, or naked, or at all.

i miss you most when i realize that it’s too late to call my friend carla, because i think of her in halifax just like i thought of you but the time difference silences that opportunity, like it did for us.

i miss you most when eli notices a bee, every last one it seems, or when he stops and watches them, humbled and curious.

or maybe it’s when he follows them around, tentatively, or runs from them, afraid.  i wish i hadn’t told him what took you, it’s a detail that he holds on to, but, at the very least, it’s spring and summer and so they are many and, for this, you are often on our mind.

i miss you most when i’m gardening

i think because the earth is soft and non judgemental or likely because it makes me tender, something i’m not always and something you so consistently were

perhaps it’s because it’s living and all things that are living remind me that you are gone too soon.

i miss you.

 

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my eldest son is learning to read french. the books he brings home are very cute but they are also redundant little stories with simple words and a simple plot. despite it being inspiring to witness him grow, the stories themselves are not necessarily inspiring in content. recently though, a new book he brought home really struck me, the words resonating with me when i read it to […]

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blink

“mom, do you know? we are only here for a short time and so we live and then we die and then it’s someone else’s turn to be alive. mom, that’s how the earth is. i know a lot about how the world works.” Like this:Like Loading…

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gardening is a team sport

there is no commitment that i’ve made and no role that i occupy that  is more important to me than the pact i made to my kids when i signed on as their mother. my two little people, undoubtedly, own the biggest parts of me- as they should. they’ve been missing me though… shift work and school take […]

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i’m in a rut. as it turns out, momland + work + academics is a lot and i feel tired all the time, am sick often, and am far from  invigorated. busy is a buzz kill and having lost some of my shimmer and shine i don’t feel whole nor do i find my own company particularly inspiring. despite […]

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